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Funniest Quotes About Christmas – Christmas is usually celebrated as a form of joy and we are familiar with celebrating Christian holidays.
Many moments, experiences, and stories about Christmas, such as, family gatherings, doing other Christmas traditions related to Christmas.
And, don’t forget to enjoy a long holiday accompanied by the new year around the world.
For that, this time in the joy of a holy Christmas, we share 100 funniest quotes about Christmas that are interesting, funny, and entertain everyone in a bright and loving Christmas atmosphere.
Here are the 200 funniest quotes about Christmas that are entertaining in a beautiful atmosphere full of love and depicts a Christmas full of love in the community and family.
Read also: 50 Home Alone Quotes That Bring Us to Christmas Moment
Funniest Quotes About Christmas Full Of Joy And Love
1. “Christmas is a time when everybody wants his past forgotten and his present remembered.” – Phyllis Diller
2. “One of the most glorious messes in the world is the mess created in the living room on Christmas day. Don’t clean it up too quickly.” – Andy Rooney
3. “Never worry about the size of your Christmas tree. In the eyes of children, they are all 30 feet tall.” – Larry Wilde
4. “Let’s be naughty and save Santa the trip.” – Gary Allan
5. “Once again, we come to the Holiday Season, a deeply religious time that each of us observes in his own way, by going to the mall of his choice.” – Dave Barry
6. “Some people are born for Halloween, and some are just counting the days until Christmas.” – Stephen Graham Jones
7. “Christmas Eve, a perfect night to express affection for your family, to forgive those who failed you, and to forget past mistakes.” – Unknown
8. “The best of all gifts around any Christmas tree: the presence of a happy family all wrapped up in each other.” – Burton Hillis
9. “Santa Claus has the right idea – visit people only once a year.” – Victor Borge
10. “Nothing’s as mean as giving a little child something useful for Christmas.” – Kin Hubbard
11. “Do give books – religious or otherwise – for Christmas. They’re never fattening, seldom sinful, and permanently personal.” – Lenore Hershey
12. “A lovely thing about Christmas is that it’s compulsory, like a thunderstorm, and we all go through it together.” – Garrison Keillor
13. “I’m dreaming of a white Christmas. But if the white runs out I’ll drink the red.” – Anonymous
14. “Three Wise WOMEN would have asked directions, arrived on time, helped deliver the baby, bought practical gifts, cleaned the stable, made a casserole, and there would be peace on earth!” – Anonymous
15. “From home to home, and heart to heart, from one place to another. The warmth and joy of Christmas, brings us closer to each other.” – Emily Matthews
16. “Probably the reason we all go so haywire at Christmas time with the endless unrestrained and often silly buying of gifts is that we don’t quite know how to put our love into words.” – Harlan Miller
17. “You better watch out, You better not cry, Better not pout, I’m telling you why, Santa Claus is coming to town.” – Haven Gillespie
18. “Dear Santa, Before I explain, how much do you know already?” – Anon
19. “There are three stages of man: he believes in Santa Claus; he does not believe in Santa Claus; he is Santa Claus.” – Bob Phillips
20. “It’s all fun and games until Santa checks the naughty list.” – Anon
21. “You know you’re getting old when Santa starts looking younger.” – Robert Paul
22. “I hope Santa leaves me a skinny body and a fat wallet, not the other way around like it was last year.” – Unknown
23. “Let’s be naughty and save Santa the trip.” – Gary Allan
24. “Santa Claus has the right idea – visit people only once a year.” – Victor Borge
25. “A selection of beautiful Christian and religious Christmas quotes that refer to the true meaning of Christmas. Perfect for relatives and friends who believe that Jesus is the reason for the Christmas season!
26. “Good news from heaven the angels bring, Glad tidings to the earth they sing: To us this day a child is given, To crown us with the joy of heaven.” – Martin Luther
27. ‘Bless us Lord, this Christmas, with quietness of mind; Teach us to be patient and always to be kind.” – Helen Steiner Rice
28. “I heard the bells on Christmas Day. There old familiar carols play. And wild and sweet, the words repeat, Of peace on earth, good-will to men.” – Henry Wadsworth Longfellow
29. “May Peace be your gift at Christmas and your blessing all year through!” – Anon
30. “For it is in giving that we receive.” – Francis of Assisi
31. “When we were children we were grateful to those who filled our stockings at Christmas time. Why are we not grateful to God for filling our stockings with legs?” – G.K. Chesterton
32. “People really act weird at Christmas time! What other time of year do you sit in front of a dead tree in the living room and eat nuts and sweets out of your socks?” – Unknown
33. “More than Santa Claus, your sister knows when you’ve been bad and good.” – Linda Sunshine
34. “You can just hear Santa saying ‘Ho, Ho, Ho’ when you receive your credit card statement in January.” – Kate Summers
35. “I never get to see Santa Claus come down the chimney because I always get too tired and fall asleep from eating all his cookies while waiting for him.” – Theodore W. Higginsworth
36. “Santa’s reindeer get around so fast because they have athletes feet.” – Kids Sure Are Funny
37. “Once again, we come to the holiday season, a deeply religious time that each of us observes, in his own way, by going to the mall of his choice.” – Dave Barry
38. “I once bought my kids a set of batteries for Christmas with a note on it saying, ‘Toys not included.” – Bernard Manning
39. “Don’t get your tinsel in a tangle.” – Unknown
40. “A lovely thing about Christmas is that it’s compulsory, like a thunderstorm, and we all go through it together.” – Garrison Keillor
41. “Once you stop believing in Santa, you get underwear for Christmas.” – Unknown
42. “You know what I got for Christmas? Fat.” – Unknown
43. “I’m dreaming of a white Christmas. But if the white runs out, I’ll drink the red.” – Unknown
44. “Dear Santa, before I explain, how much do you know already?” – Unknown
45. “The main reason Santa is so jolly is because he knows where all the bad girls live.” – George Carlin
46. “Why is Christmas just like a day at the office? You do all the work and the fat guy with the suit gets all the credit.” – Unknown
47. “It’s all fun and games until Santa checks the naughty list.” – Unknown
48. “Christmas: the only time of year you can sit in front of a dead tree eating candy out of socks.” – Anonymous
49. “At Christmas, all roads lead home.” – Marjorie Holmes
50. “Christmas is a time when you get homesick – even when you’re home.” – Carol Nelson
51. “The best way to spread Christmas cheer is singing loud for all to hear.” – Will Ferrell, “Elf”
52. “May you never be too grown up to search the skies on Christmas eve.” – Anonymous
53. “Maybe Christmas, he thought, doesn’t come from the store. Maybe Christmas… perhaps… means a little bit more!” – The Grinch, by Dr Seuss
54. “It’s not what’s under the Christmas tree that matters, it’s who is around it.” – Anonymous
55. “Christmas Prayer: Guardian angel pure and bright, please lead Santa here tonight.” – Unknown
56. “Christmas is like candy; it slowly melts in your mouth sweetening every taste bud, making you wish it could last forever.” – Richelle Goodrich
57. “I’m only a morning person on December 25th.” – Unknown
58. “Christmas is always a problem to the man who has to convince his kids that there is a Santa Claus, and his wife that there isn’t.” – Evan Esar
59. “At Christmas, tea is compulsory. Relatives are optional.” – Robert Godden
60. “The older I get, the fewer useless gifts I get. The fewer I get, the less I have to wrap to re-gift for next Christmas.” – Robert Rivers
61. “Christmas is a time when you get homesick – even when you’re home.” – Carol Nelson
62. “Christmas is a season not only of rejoicing but of reflection.” – Winston Churchill
63. “Christmas is the season for kindling the fire of hospitality in the hall, the genial flame of charity in the heart.” – Washington Irving
64. “This time of year means being kind to everyone we meet, To share a smile with strangers we may pass along the street.” – Betty Black
65. “May the Christmas season fill your home with joy, your heart with love, and your life with laughter.” – Anon
66. “The light in a child’s eyes is all it takes to make Christmas a magical time of the year.” – Unknown
67. “Christmas is not a time or a season but a state of mind. To cherish peace and good will, to be plenteous in mercy, is to have the real spirit of Christmas.” – Calvin Coolidge
68. “Blessed is the season which engages the whole world in a conspiracy of love.” – Hamilton Write Mabie
69. ”Sending Christmas cards is a good way to let your friends and family know that you think they’re worth the price of a stamp.” – Melanie White
70. ”The office Christmas party is a great opportunity to catch up with people you haven’t seen for 20 minutes.” – Julius Sharpe
71. “What I like about Christmas is that you can make people forget the past with the present.” – Don Marquis
72. “Next to a circus there ain’t nothing that packs up and tears out faster than the Christmas spirit.” – Frank McKinney Hubbard
73. “Never worry about the size of your Christmas tree. In the eyes of children, they are all 30 feet tall.” – Larry Wilde
74. “That’s the true spirit of Christmas; people being helped by people other than me.” – Jerry Seinfeld
75. ”The best way to spread Christmas cheer is singing loud for all to hear.” – Elf
76. ”Christmas is a race to see which gives out first your money or your feet.” – Unknown
77. “Christmas sweaters are only acceptable as a cry for help.” – Andy Borowitz
78. “Christmas is the season when you buy this year’s gifts with next year’s money.” – Unknown
79. ”We celebrate the birth of one who told us to give everything to the poor by giving each other motorized tie racks.” – Bill McKibben
80. “It’s easier to feel a little more spiritual with a couple of bucks in your pocket.” – Craig Ferguson
81. “I love Christmas. I receive a lot of wonderful presents I can’t wait to exchange.” – Henny Youngman
82.“I was Christmas shopping and ran into a guy on the street. I noticed his watch and said that it runs slow. He said, ‘So does the guy I stole it from.’” – David Letterman
83. ”Christmas: It’s the only religious holiday that’s also a federal holiday. That way, Christians can go to their services, and everyone else can sit at home and reflect on the true meaning of the separation of church and state.” – Samantha Bee
84. ”It’s always consoling to know that today’s Christmas gifts are tomorrow’s garage sales.” – Milton Berle
85. “Christmas is a box of tree ornaments that have become part of the family.” – Charles M. Schulz
86. ”Let’s be naughty and save Santa the trip.” – Gary Allan
87. ”I’ve learned that you can tell a lot about a person by the way he handles these three things: a rainy day, lost luggage, and tangled Christmas tree lights.” – Maya Angelou
88. ”The worst gift is a fruitcake. There is only one fruitcake in the entire world, and people keep sending it to each other.” – Johnny Carson
89. “It’s not what’s under the Christmas tree that matters, it’s who is around it.” – Anonymous
90. “Freshly cut Christmas trees smelling of stars and snow and pine resin – inhale deeply and fill your soul with wintry night.” – John Geddes
91. “The Christmas tree is a symbol of love, not money. There’s a kind of glory to them when they’re all lit up that exceeds anything all the money in the world could buy.” – Andy Rooney
92. “Some Christmas tree ornaments do more than glitter and glow, they represent a gift of love given a long time ago.” – Tom Baker
93. “The best of all gifts around any Christmas tree: the presence of a happy family all wrapped up in each other.” – Burton Hillis
94. “I stopped believing in Santa Claus when I was six. Mother took me to see him in a department store, and he asked for my autograph.” – Shirley Temple
95. “It’s Christmas Eve! It’s the one night of the year when we all act a little nicer, we smile a little easier, we cheer a little more. For a couple of hours out of the whole year, we are the people that we always hoped we would be.” – Bill Murray
96. “Mail your packages early so the post office can lose them in time for Christmas.” – Johnny Carson
97. “Christmas is a baby shower that went totally overboard.” – Andy Borowitz
98. “I haven’t taken my Christmas lights down. They look so nice on the pumpkin.” – Winston Spear
99. “There are three stages of man: he believes in Santa Claus; he does not believe in Santa Claus; he is Santa Claus.” – Bob Phillips
100. ”Christmas to a child is the first terrible proof that to travel hopefully is better than to arrive.” – Stephen Fry
Read also: 100 Walt Disney Quotes That Inspire Life And Experiences
101. “The optimist proclaims that we live in the best of all possible worlds; and the pessimist fears this is true.” – James Branch Cabell
102. “I’m not offended by blonde jokes because I know I’m not dumb…and I also know that I’m not blonde.” – Dolly Parton
103. “We use 10% of our brains. Imagine how much we could accomplish if we used the other 60%.” – Ellen DeGeneres
104. “My definition of an intellectual is someone who can listen to the William Tell Overture without thinking of the Lone Ranger.” – Billy Connolly
105. “When it doubt, look intelligent.” – Garrison Keillor
106. “Two things are infinite: the universe and human stupidity; and I’m not sure about the universe.” – Albert Einstein
107. “Think of how stupid the average person is and realize half of them are stupider than that.” – George Carlin
108. “User: the word computer professionals use when they mean ‘idiot.’” – Dave Barry
109. “If stupidity got us into this mess, then why can’t it get us out?” – Will Rogers
110. “According to most studies, people’s number one fear is public speaking. Number two is death. Death is number two. Does that seem right? That means to the average person, if you have to go to a funeral, you’re better off in the casket than doing the eulogy.” – Jerry Seinfeld
111. “I don’t believe in reincarnation, and I didn’t believe in it when I was a hamster.” – Shane Richie
112. “Always go to other people’s funerals; otherwise they won’t come to yours.” – Yogi Berra
113. “My advice to you is get married: If you find a good wife you’ll be happy; if not, you’ll become a philosopher.” – Socrates
114. “If you want to be sure that you never forget your wife’s birthday, just try forgetting it once.” – Aldo Cammarota
115. “Before you marry a person, you should first make them use a computer with slow Internet service to see who they really are.” – Will Ferrell
116. “Never criticize your spouse’s faults; if it weren’t for them, your mate might have found someone better than you.” – Jay Trachman
117. “Never go to bed mad. Stay up and fight.” – Phyllis Diller
118. “Instead of getting married again, I’m going to find a woman I don’t like and give her a house.” – Rod Stewart
119. “Behind every great man is a woman rolling her eyes.” – Jim Carrey
120. “Adults are always asking children what they want to be when they grow up because they’re looking for ideas.” – Paula Poundstone
121. “A perfect parent is a person with excellent child-rearing theories and no actual children.” – Dave Barry
122. “Just be good and kind to your children. Not only are they the future of the world, they’re the ones who can sign you into a home.” – Dennis Miller
123. “People say money is not the key to happiness, but I have always figured if you have enough money, you can have a key made.” – Joan Rivers
124. “Anybody who tells you money can’t buy happiness never had any.” – Samuel L. Jackson
125. “Misers are no fun to live with, but they make great ancestors.” – Tom Snyder
126. “Anyone can do any amount of work, provided it isn’t the work he is supposed to be doing at that moment.” – Robert Benchley
127. “I like work; it fascinates me. I can sit and look at it for hours.” – Jerome K. Jerome
128. “Doing nothing is very hard to do. You never know when you’re finished.” – Leslie Nielsen
129. “Hard work never killed anybody, but why take a chance?” – Edgar Bergen
130. “Don’t go around saying the world owes you a living. The world owes you nothing. It was here first.” – Mark Twain
131. “All I’ve ever wanted was an honest week’s pay for an honest day’s work.” – Steve Martin, in the film Sgt. Bilko.
132. “A college education is one of the few things a person is willing to pay for and not get.” – William Lowe Bryan
133. “In real life, I assure you, there is no such thing as algebra.” – Fran Lebowitz
134. “True terror is to wake up one morning and discover that your high school class is running the country.” – Kurt Vonnegut
135. “When I was a kid my parents moved a lot, but I always found them.” – Rodney Dangerfield
136. “If you are not yelling at your kids, you are not spending enough time with them.” – Reese Witherspoon
137. “When your mother asks, ‘Do you want a piece of advice?’ it is a mere formality. It doesn’t matter if you answer yes or no. You’re going to get it anyway.” – Erma Bombeck
138. “Kids are expensive, I didn’t even realize how broke I was until last year someone stole my identity and it ruined her life.” – Kate Davis
139. “I want my children to have all the things I couldn’t afford. Then I want to move in with them.” – Phyllis Diller
140. “It seems I have spent a lifetime of mouthing mechanically, ‘Say thank you. Sit up straight. Use your napkin. Close your mouth when you chew. Don’t lean back in your chair.’ Just when I finally got my husband squared away, the kids came along.” – Erma Bombeck
141. “There is no such thing as fun for the whole family.” – Jerry Seinfeld
142. “There are two classes of travel—first class and with children.” – Robert Benchley
143. “Happiness is having a large, caring, close-knit family in another city.” – George Burns
144. “When your children are teenagers, it’s important to have a dog so that someone in the house is happy to see you.” – Nora Ephron
145. “A dog teaches a boy fidelity, perseverance, and to turn around three times before lying down.” – Robert Benchley
146. “If dogs could talk, it would take a lot of fun out of owning one.” – Andrew A. Rooney
147. “If you think dogs can’t count, try putting three dog biscuits in your pocket and then giving Fido only two of them.” – Phil Pastoret
148. “Some cause happiness wherever they go; others whenever they go.” – Unknown
149. “Whoever said money can’t buy happiness simply didn’t know where to go shopping.” – Bo Derek
150. “One of the keys to happiness is a bad memory.” – Rita Mae Brown
151. “A bore is the kind of man who, when you ask him how he is, he tells you.” – Channing Pollock
152. “She never lets ideas interrupt the easy flow of her conversation.” – Jean Webster
153. “He can compress the most words into the smallest idea of any man I know.” – Abraham Lincoln
154. “By the time someone says, ‘To make a long story short,’ it’s too late.” – Don Herold
155. “There but for the grace of God, goes God.” – Unknown
156. “He is a self-made man and worships his creator.” – Henry Clapp
157. “The nice thing about egotists is that they don’t talk about other people.” – Lucille S. Harper
158. “People who think they know everything are a great annoyance to those of us who do.” – Isaac Asimov
159. “An optimist is someone who falls off the Empire State Building, and after 50 floors says, ‘So far so good!’” – Unknown
160. “The nice part about being a pessimist is that you are constantly being either proven right or pleasantly surprised.” – George Will
161. “The cat could very well be man’s best friend but would never stoop to admitting it.” – Doug Larson
162. “Cats are smarter than dogs. You can’t get eight cats to pull a sled through snow.” – Jeff Valdez
163. “In order to maintain a well-balanced perspective, the person who has a dog to worship him should also have a cat to ignore him.” – Peterborough Examiner, Canada
164. “Thousands of years ago, cats were worshipped as gods. Cats have never forgotten this.” – Unknown
165. “Friends are God’s way of apologizing to us for our families.” – Unknown
166. “The statistics on sanity are that one out of every four Americans is suffering from some form of mental illness. Think of your three best friends. If they’re okay, then it’s you.” – Rita Mae Brown
167. “The holy passion of friendship is of so sweet and steady and loyal and enduring a nature that it will last through a whole lifetime, if not asked to lend money.” – Mark Twain
168. “Always forgive your enemies; nothing annoys them so much.”- Oscar Wilde
169. “The Bible tells us to love our neighbors, and also to love our enemies; probably because they are generally the same people.” – G.K. Chesterton
170. “If you can’t beat them, arrange to have them beaten.” – George Carlin
171. “All the things I like to do are either immoral, illegal, or fattening.” – Alexander Woollcott
172. “Health nuts are going to feel stupid someday, lying in hospitals dying of nothing.” – Redd Fox
173. “Be careful about reading health books. You may die of a misprint.” – Mark Twain
174. “It is useless to try to hold a person to anything he says while he’s madly in love, drunk, or running for office.” – B. Birdsong
175. “The only time some fellows are ever seen with their wives is after they’ve been indicted.” – Kin Hubbard
176. “If our Founding Fathers wanted us to care about the rest of the world, they wouldn’t have declared their independence from it.” – Stephen Colbert
177. “If at first you don’t succeed, try, try again. Then quit. There’s no use being a damn fool about it.” – W.C. Fields
178. “It is not enough to succeed. Others must fail.” – Gore Vidal
179. “Thankfully, perseverance is a great substitute for talent.” – Steve Martin
180. “If you want to know what God thinks of money, look at the people he gave it to.” – Dorothy Parker
181. “Before borrowing money from a friend, decide which you need most.” – Addison H. Hallock
182. “Never keep up with the Joneses. Drag them down to your level. It’s cheaper.” – Quentin Crisp
183. “The secret of staying young is to live honestly, eat slowly, and lie about your age.”- Lucille Ball
184. “You are only young once. After that you have to think up some other excuse.” – Billy Arthur
185. “By the time you’re 80 years old you’ve learned everything. You only have to remember it.” – George Burns
186. “You can’t believe everything you hear, but you can repeat it.” – Unknown
187. “A gossip is a person who creates the smoke in which other people assume there’s fire.” – Dan Bennett
188. “The only thing worse than being talked about is not being talked about.” – Oscar Wilde
189. “If you can’t be kind, at least be vague.” – Judith Martin
190. “It’s so much easier to suggest solutions when you don’t know too much about the problem.” – Malcolm Forbes
191. “Any fool can criticize, condemn and complain—and most do.” – Dale Carnegie
192. “People can’t drive you crazy if you don’t give them the keys.” – Mike Bechtle
193. “Sometimes you lie in bed at night and you don’t have a single thing to worry about. That always worries me!” – Charlie Brown
194. “Keep your temper. Nobody else wants it.” – Dearborn Independent
195. “If God did not intend for us to eat animals, then why did he make them out of meat?” – John Cleese
196. “Never eat more than you can lift.” – Miss Piggy
197. “When the waitress asked if I wanted my pizza cut into four or eight slices, I said, ‘Four. I don’t think I can eat eight.’” – Yogi Berra
198. “Not all chemicals are bad. Without hydrogen and oxygen, for example, there would be no way to make water, a vital ingredient in beer.” – Dave Barry
199. “I always cook with wine. Sometimes I even add it to the food.” – W.C. Fields
200. “Always do sober what you said you’d do drunk. That will teach you to keep your mouth shut.” – Ernest Hemingway
Those are the 200 funniest quotes about Christmas that became our passion about Christmas and also Merry Christmas to all of you on a day full of peace and love for others.