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George Carlin Quotes – George Denis Patrick Carlin or better known as George Carlin is a Grammy Award-winning American solo comedian, actor and writer.
Carlin is known as an extraordinarily intelligent comedian, particularly for his political and bitter humor, and his observations on grammar, psychology and religion, along with many other taboo topics.
George Carlin’s recent comedic material has generally focused on his satire on the modern American lifestyle.
He often takes the topic of political problems in the United States that are currently popular and sarcastically satirizes the negative effects of American culture.
Carlin is widely regarded as the successor to comedian Lenny Bruce and was described by television station Comedy Central as the greatest single comedian in history, second only to Richard Pryor and before Lenny Bruce.
He was also the first to guest star on the weekly American television comedy show “Saturday Night Live” and be a part of the world’s outstanding comedy.
There are many things that we can take from the figure of George Carlin, one of which is through the following quotes which describe the intelligent figure of Carlin as a comedian.
For that, here are 150 George Carlin Quotes that lead us to the world of comedy that can inspire us all.
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George Carlin Quotes Looks At The Humorous Side For All
1. “What do dogs do on their day off? Can’t lie around, that’s their job!”
2. “The safest place to be during an earthquake would be in a stationary store.”
3. “A flag is supposed to represent everything that a country does. It doesn’t only represent the good things. If you burn the flag, you’re burning the flag for what you perceive to be the bad things the country has done. it’s only a symbol. It’s only a piece of cloth.”
4. “Although the photographer and the art thief were close friends, neither had ever taken the other’s picture.”
5. “When you step on the brakes your life is in your foot’s hands.”
6. “Whenever you hear the phrase zero tolerance, remember, someone is bullshitting you.”
7. “Everyone should try to scratch their name on the bomb of life.”
8. “I think it would be interesting if old people got anti-Alzheimer’s disease where they slowly began to recover other people’s lost memories.”
9. “Why do we park on driveways and drive on parkways? Just to be silly!”
10. “If you have selfish, ignorant citizens, you’re gonna get selfish, ignorant leaders.”
11. “I’ll tell you a little secret about the Blues: it’s not enough to know which notes to play, you have to know why they need to be played.”
12. “People are wonderful one at a time. Each one of them has an entire hologram of the universe somewhere within them.”
13. “Did you ever eat a whole box of cookies right in a row? Did you ever do that? I don’t mean take them into your bedroom or something. I mean open them right up in the kitchen as soon as you get home from the store and eat ’em while you’re standing there? Just stare at the toaster while you’re eatin’ a whole goddamn box of cookies?”
14. “If a turtle doesn’t have a shell, is he homeless or naked?”
15. “How can [God] be perfect? Everything He ever makes dies.”
16. “The Christians gave Him Sunday, the Jews gave Him Saturday, and the Muslims gave Him Friday. God has a three-day weekend.”
17. “I’m completely in favor of the separation of Church and State. These two institutions screw us up enough on their own, so both of them together is certain death.”
18. “‘I am’ is reportedly the shortest sentence in the English language. Could it be that ‘I do’ is the longest sentence?”
19. “May the forces of evil become confused on the way to your house.”
20. “Most people with low self-esteem have earned it.”
21. “If you can’t say something nice about a person, go ahead.”
22. “People are wonderful one at a time. Each one of them has an entire hologram of the universe somewhere within them.”
23. “I love and treasure individuals as I meet them, I loath and despise the groups they identify or belong to.”
24. “The planet is fine. The people are f**ked.”
25. “I was thinking about how people seem to read the Bible a lot more as they get older, and then it dawned on me — they’re cramming for their final exam.”
26. “I would never want to be a member of a group whose symbol was a man nailed to two pieces of wood.”
27. “Tell people there’s an invisible man in the sky who created the universe, and the vast majority will believe you. Tell them the paint is wet, and they have to touch it to be sure.”
28. “Atheism is a non-prophet organization.”
29. “So, have a little fun. Soon enough you’ll be dead and burning in Hell with the rest of your family.”
30. “Frisbeetarianism is the belief that when you die, your soul goes up on the roof and gets stuck.”
31. “If it’s true that our species is alone in the universe, then I’d have to say the universe aimed rather low and settled for very little.”
32. “I’m happy to tell you there is very little in this world that I believe in.”
33. “Would a fly without wings be called a walk?”
34. “Not only do I not know what’s going on, I wouldn’t know what to do about it if I did.”
35. “There’s no present. There’s only the immediate future and the recent past.”
36. “Electricity is really just organized lightning.”
37. “Weather forecast for tonight: dark. Continued dark overnight, with widely scattered light by morning.”
38. “People who say they don’t care what people think are usually desperate to have people think they don’t care what people think.”
39. “If you can’t beat them, arrange to have them beaten.”
40. “One can never know for sure what a deserted area can look like.”
41. “When you step on the brakes, your life is in your foot’s hands.”
42. “I often warn people: ‘Somewhere along the way, someone is going to tell you, ‘There is no ‘I’ in team.’ What you should tell them is, ‘Maybe not. But there is an ‘I’ in independence, individuality, and integrity.”
43. “I think it’s the duty of the comedian to find out where the line is drawn and cross it deliberately.”
44. “Those who dance are considered insane by those who cannot hear the music.”
45. “It’s important in life if you don’t give a s**t. It can help you a lot.”
46. “What if there were no hypothetical questions?”
47. “Is a vegetarian permitted to eat animal crackers?”
48. “Death is caused by swallowing small amounts of saliva over a long period of time.”
49. “There’s a humorous side to every situation. The challenge is to find it.”
50. “Let a smile be your umbrella, and you’ll end up with a face full of rain.”
51. “That’s why they call it the American Dream, because you have to be asleep to believe it.”
52. “I do this real moron thing, and it’s called thinking. And apparently, I’m not a very good American because I like to form my own opinions.”
53. “I think people should be allowed to do what they want. We haven’t tried that for a while. Maybe this time it’ll work.”
54. “If you have selfish, ignorant citizens, you’re going to have selfish, ignorant leaders.”
55. “Fighting for peace is like screwing for virginity.”
56. “Well, if crime fighters fight crime and firefighters fight fires, what do freedom fighters fight?”
57. “How is it possible to have a civil war?”
58. “War is rich old men protecting their property by sending middle class and lower class men off to die.”
59. “I have lots of ideas. Trouble is, most of them suck.”
60. “Scratch any cynic and you will find a disappointed idealist.”
61. “‘Bipartisan’ usually means that a larger-than-usual deception is being carried out.”
62. “I like it when a flower or a little tuft of grass grows through a crack in the concrete. It’s so fuckin’ heroic.”
63. “Some people see things that are and ask, Why? Some people dream of things that never were and ask, Why not? Some people have to go to work and don’t have time for all that.”
64. “Men are from Earth, women are from Earth. Deal with it.”
65. “Think of how stupid the average person is, and realize half of them are stupider than that.”
66. “Scratch any cynic and you will find a disappointed idealist.”
67. “I do this real moron thing, and it’s called thinking. And apparently I’m not a very good American because I like to form my own opinions.”
68. “I went to a bookstore and asked the saleswoman, ‘Where’s the self-help section?’ She said if she told me, it would defeat the purpose.”
69. “If someone with multiple personalities threatens to kill himself, is it considered a hostage situation?”
70. “Some people have no idea what they’re doing, and a lot of them are really good at it.”
71. “I think I am, therefore, I am… I think.”
72. “Everyone smiles in the same language.”
73. “I often warn people: “Somewhere along the way, someone is going to tell you, ‘There is no “I” in team.’ What you should tell them is, ‘Maybe not. But there is an “I” in independence, individuality and integrity.”
74. “Some people see the glass half full. Others see it half empty. I see a glass that’s twice as big as it needs to be.”
75. “If it’s true that our species is alone in the universe, then I’d have to say the universe aimed rather low and settled for very little.”
76. “Atheism is a non-prophet organization.”
77. “The very existence of flamethrowers proves that sometime, somewhere, someone said to themselves, ‘You know, I want to set those people over there on fire, but I’m just not close enough to get the job done.”
78. “Life gets really simple once you cut out all the bull shit they teach you in school.”
79. “How come when it’s us, it’s an abortion, and when it’s a chicken, it’s an omelette?”
80. “Isn’t it a bit unnerving that doctors call what they do “practice”?”
81. “The caterpillar does all the work, but the butterfly gets all the publicity.”
82. “Honesty may be the best policy, but it’s important to remember that apparently, by elimination, dishonesty is the second-best policy.”
83. “Don’t sweat the petty things and don’t pet the sweaty things.”
84. “A house is just a place to keep your stuff while you go out and get more stuff.”
85. “Don’t just teach your children to read. Teach them to question what they read. Teach them to question everything.”
86. “We have multiplied our possessions but reduced our values. We talk too much, love too seldom, and hate too often. We’ve learned how to make a living but not a life. We’ve added years to life, not life to years.”
87. “Trying to be happy by accumulating possessions is like trying to satisfy hunger by taping sandwiches all over your body.”
88. “When fascism comes to America, it will not be in brown and black shirts. It will not be with jack-boots. It will be Nike sneakers and Smiley shirts.”
89. “In America, anyone can become president. That’s the problem.”
90. “We are a nation of sheep, and someone else owns the grass.”
91. “The IQ and the life expectancy of the average American recently passed each other in opposite directions.”
92. “Some people have no idea what they’re doing, and a lot of them are really good at it.”
93. “The caterpillar does all the work, but the butterfly gets all the publicity.”
94. “Never argue with an idiot. They will only bring you down to their level and beat you with experience.”
95. “Ever wonder about those people who spend $2 apiece on those little bottles of Evian water? Try spelling Evian backward.”
96. “Never underestimate the power of stupid people in large groups.”
97. “Careful, if you think too much, they’ll take you away.”
98. “Think off-center.”
99. “Think of how stupid the average person is, and realize half of them are stupider than that.”
100. “Life gets really simple once you cut out all the bulls**t they teach you in school.”
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101. “I think I am, therefore, I am… I think.”
102. “If your kid needs a role model and you ain’t it, you’re both fucked.”
103. “Isn’t making a smoking section in a restaurant like making a peeing section in a swimming pool?”
104. “It’s important in life if you don’t give a shit. It can help you a lot.”
105. “Don’t sweat the petty things and don’t pet the sweaty things.”
106. “Don’t just teach your children to read… Teach them to question what they read. Teach them to question everything.”
107. “Most people work just hard enough not to get fired and get paid just enough money not to quit.”
108. “So, have a little fun. Soon enough you’ll be dead and burning in Hell with the rest of your family.”
109. “The IQ and the life expectancy of the average American recently passed each other in opposite directions.”
110. “There’s a humorous side to every situation. The challenge is to find it.”
111. “Let a smile be your umbrella, and you’ll end up with a face full of rain.”
112. “A house is just a place to keep your stuff while you go out and get more stuff.”
113. “I tried to believe that there is a God, who created each of us in His own image and likeness, loves us very much, and keeps a close eye on things. I really tried to believe that, but I gotta tell you, the longer you live, the more you look around, the more you realize, something is fucked up.”
114. “There are nights when the wolves are silent and only the moon howls.”
115. “The reason I talk to myself is because I’m the only one whose answers I accept.”
116. “The planet is fine. The people are fucked.”
117. “Here’s all you have to know about men and women: women are crazy, men are stupid. And the main reason women are crazy is that men are stupid.”
118. “Fighting for peace is like screwing for virginity.”
119. “Have you ever noticed that anybody driving slower than you is an idiot, and anyone going faster than you is a maniac?”
120. “People who say they don’t care what people think are usually desperate to have people think they don’t care what people think.”
121. “If the black box flight recorder is never damaged during a plane crash, why isn’t the whole airplane made out of that stuff?”
122. “Never underestimate the power of stupid people in large groups.”
123. “The main reason Santa is so jolly is because he knows where all the bad girls live.”
124. “Some people see things that are and ask, Why? Some people dream of things that never were and ask, Why not? Some people have to go to work and don’t have time for all that.”
125. “Meow” means “woof” in cat.”
126. “Religion is like a pair of shoes…..Find one that fits for you, but don’t make me wear your shoes.”
127. “I like it when a flower or a little tuft of grass grows through a crack in the concrete. It’s so fuckin’ heroic.”
128. “Men are from Earth, women are from Earth. Deal with it.”
129. “Think of how stupid the average person is, and realize half of them are stupider than that.”
130. “Some people see the glass half full. Others see it half empty. I see a glass that’s twice as big as it needs to be.”
131. “I think the warning labels on alcoholic beverages are too bland. They should be more vivid. Here is one I would suggest: “Alcohol will turn you into the same asshole your father was.”
132. “Life gets really simple once you cut out all the bull shit they teach you in school.”
133. “I have as much authority as the Pope. I just don’t have as many people who believe it.”
134. “How come when it’s us, it’s an abortion, and when it’s a chicken, it’s an omelet?”
135. “Isn’t it a bit unnerving that doctors call what they do “practice”?”
136. “Laugh often, long and loud. Laugh until you gasp for breath.”
137. “In America, anyone can become president. That’s the problem.”
138. “Honesty may be the best policy, but it’s important to remember that apparently, by elimination, dishonesty is the second-best policy.”
139. “I do this real moron thing, and it’s called thinking. And apparently I’m not a very good American because I like to form my own opinions.”
140. “Scratch any cynic and you will find a disappointed idealist.”
141. “I went to a bookstore and asked the saleswoman, ‘Where’s the self-help section?’ She said if she told me, it would defeat the purpose.”
142. “May the forces of evil become confused on the way to your house.”
143. “If it’s true that our species is alone in the universe, then I’d have to say the universe aimed rather low and settled for very little.”
144. “Tell people there’s an invisible man in the sky who created the universe, and the vast majority will believe you. Tell them the paint is wet, and they have to touch it to be sure.”
145. “People who see life as anything more than pure entertainment are missing the point.”
146. “A good motto to live by: ‘Always try not to get killed.’”
147. “When you’re born into this world, you’re given a ticket to the freak show. If you’re born in America you get a front-row seat.”
148. “Some people have no idea what they’re doing, and a lot of them are really good at it.”
149. “The caterpillar does all the work, but the butterfly gets all the publicity.”
150. “Never argue with an idiot. They will only bring you down to their level and beat you with experience.”
These are 150 George Carlin quotes that have an extraordinary meaning about life that sometimes has a side of extraordinary humor.