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Ron Swanson Quotes – Ronald Ulysses Swanson, also known as Ron Swanson, is a fictional character played by Nick Offerman from the NBC sitcom Parks and Recreation, created by Greg Daniels and Michael Schur.
Because of this, many things were shared and talked about by the film’s fans. One of them is Ron Swason character who has a very flat and stereotypical masculine personality, actively works to make the government less effective, and hates interaction with the public.
He loved meat, woodworking, hunting, Lagavulin whiskey, breakfast food, nautical literature, and sex. Ron claims to be uninterested in the private lives of the people around him, but actually cares deeply about his colleagues. This is what makes Ron’s character so well-liked.
His portrayal of Ron Swanson has received widespread critical acclaim. The characters develop a cult following and are widely considered to be the runaway characters from the series.
He has been described by some critics as one of the best sitcom characters in decades, and has been called the best comedy character on television.
Here’s a lot we can learn together from Ron Swason funny, entertaining and inspiring character about life.
Here are 150 Ron Swanson quotes that are funny and entertaining for all of us from the best comedic Ron ever.
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Ron Swanson Quotes Give Me Funny Things After To Read
1. “Honor: If you need it defined. You don’t have it.
2. “Your house isn’t haunted. You’re lonely.”
3. “Creativity is for people with glasses who like to lie.”
4. . “People are idiots, Leslie.”
5. “Round up whoever’s free. I’m going to need more Ron Swansons.”
6. “We have one activity planned: not getting killed.”
7. “Everything I do is the attitude of an award winner because I’ve won an award.”
8. “Keep your tears in your eyes where they belong.”
9. “I said that you’ll get a lot of job offers in your life but you only have one hometown.”
10. “Don’t start chasing applause and acclaim. That way lies madness.”
11. Food – the only thing capable of bring out Ron Swanson’s human side. Let’s see some great food quotes from him.
12. “I do not like most of you. What I do like is breakfast food.”
13. “Fishing relaxes me. It’s like yoga, except I still get to kill something.”
14. “I can’t think of anything more noble to go to war over than bacon and eggs.”
15. “Veganism is the sad result of a morally corrupt mind. Reconsider your life.”
16. “Barbecues should be about one thing: good shared meat.”
17. “I work hard to make sure my department is as small and as ineffective as possible.”
18. “Well, I am not usually one for speeches. So, goodbye.”
19. “I am submitting this menu from a Pawnee institution, J.J.’s Diner. Home of the world’s best breakfast dish: The Four Horsemeals of the Eggporkalypse.”
20. “Encapsulate the spirit of melancholy. Easy. Boom, a sad desk. Boom, sad wall. It’s art. Anything is anything.”
21. “Listen, I’ve eaten a commissary hamburger for lunch every day for twelve years. I just wanted to make sure this pointless health crusade won’t affect the only part of my job that I like.”
22.”This is a flying robot that I just shot out of the sky when it tried to deliver me a package.”
23.”If it doesn’t have meat, it’s a snack.”
24.”In my opinion, not enough people have looked their dinner in the eyes and considered the circle of life.”
25.” We will get along just fine, though hopefully not too fine, because I am not looking for any new friends. End speech.”
26. “Haha, “Euro-trash,” I like that. That is indeed a garbage continent.”
27. “Creativity is for people with glasses who like to lie.”
28. “Say what you want about organized religion, but those bastards knew how to construct an edifice.”
29. ” Live your life how you want, but don’t confuse drama with happiness.”
30. “On nights like this when the cold winds blow, the air is awash in the swirling eddies of our dream, come with me and find safe haven in a warm bathtub full of my jazz.”
31. “My son is several weeks old. He is very familiar with the sound of power tools.”
32. “I regret nothing. The end.”
33. “My name is Ron Swanson. I’m going to tell you everything you need to know about the miserable screwed up world of local government.”
34. “Under my tutelage you will grow from boys to men, from men into gladiators, from gladiators into Swansons.”
35. “Hey Mark. This is Beth, my ex-wife Tammy’s better looking sister.”
36. “Hey, who wants to see me climb a tree?”
37. “The only reason anyone is going to this thing is because they’re afraid of what Marlene will do to them if they don’t. That women is tough. In 1994 I gave her a nickname, it’s unrepeatable, but it stuck. It’s my proudest accomplishment. It’s the iron c*ck shredder of Pawnee.”
38. “There are only three ways to motivate people: money, fear, and hunger.”
39. Talking about an IPod: “Tom put all my records into this resctangle. the songsn just play one after the one. this is an excellent rectangle.”
40. “I’m not interested in caring about people.”
41. “Clear alcohols are for rich women on diets.”
42. “Crying: Acceptable at funerals and the Grand Canyon.”
43. “There are three acceptable haircuts: high and tight, crew cut, buzz cut.”
44. “There are only three ways to motivate people: money, fear, and hunger.”
45. “The key to burning an ex-wife effigy is to dip it in paraffin wax and then toss the flaming bottle of isopropyl alcohol from a safe distance. Do not stand too close when you light an ex-wife effigy.”
46. “Under my tutelage, you will grow from boys to men. From men into gladiators. And from gladiators into Swansons.”
47. “Swanson method, where you close your eyes and fall asleep.”
48. “Literally everything is a weapon, son. That folder, in my hands, is far deadlier than this bow in yours.”
50. “You can’t hack into a typewriter. That’s all I have to say.”
51. “I’ve heavily invested in gold which I’ve buried in several different locations around Pawnee. Or have I?”
52. “I will leave my children $50 apiece for the cab home from my funeral and a steak dinner, end of discussion.”
53. “I won’t be hiring an attorney. I’ll represent myself, as I do in all legal matters and livestock auctions.”
54. “We can’t have raccoons for the Christmas thing. They’ll hunt the kids for sport.”
55. “Every two weeks I need to sand down my toe nails. They’re too strong for clippers.”
56. “I feel I should remind you that I do not believe that the position or the entire government should exist.”
57. “My idea of a perfect government is one guy who sits in a small room at a desk, and the only thing he’s allowed to decide is who to nuke.”
58. “Just let business be business and government be government.”
59. “The government should not prop up a failed business. That would be like giving food to a mortally wounded animal instead of slitting its throat and properly utilizing its meat and pelt.”
60. “Government is inefficient and should be dissolved.”
61. “I was going to ask you for a job. In the federal government – even saying it feels dirty.”
62. “What in God’s name is freegan-vegan?”
63. “I’m just gonna stay angry, I find that relaxes me.”
64. “Leslie, no. We don’t negotiate with weirdos.”
65. “Child Labor laws are ruining this country.”
66. “Capitalism: God’s way of determining who is smart, and who is poor.”
67. “I like saying ‘no.’ It lowers their enthusiasm.”
68. “There is only one bad word: taxes.”
69. . “Give 100%. 110% is impossible. Only idiots recommend that.”
70. “I’m not interested in caring about people.”
71. “Strippers do nothing for me…but I will take a free breakfast buffet anytime, anyplace.”
72. “No home is complete without a proper toolbox. Here’s April and Andy’s: A hammer, a half-eaten pretzel, a baseball card, some cartridge that says Sonic and Hedgehog, a scissor half, a flashlight filled with jellybeans.”
73.”My first ex-wife’s name is Tammy. My second ex-wife’s name is Tammy. My Mom’s name is Tamara…she goes by Tammy.”
74. “If any of you need anything at all, too bad. Deal with your problems yourselves, like adults.”
75. “OK, everyone: shut up! And look at me!”
76. “Welcome to ‘Visions of Nature.’ This room has several paintings in it. Some are big, some are small. People did them and they’re here now. I believe that after this is over, they’ll be hung in government buildings. Why the government is involved in an art show is beyond me. I also think it’s pointless for a human to paint scenes of nature when they could just go outside and stand in it. Anyway, please do not misinterpret the fact that I am talking right now as genuine interest in art and attempt to discuss it with me further. End of speech.”
77. “Do you have any history of mental illness in your family? I have an uncle who does yoga.”
78.”Busy? Impossible. I work for the government.”
79. “I’ve cried twice in my life. Once when I was 7 and hit by a school bus. And then again when I heard that Li’l Sebastian had passed.”
80.” There has never been a sadness that can’t been cured by breakfast food.”
81. “There’s only one thing I hate more than lying: skim milk. Which is water that is lying about being milk.”
82. “Normally, if given the choice between doing something and nothing, I’d choose to do nothing. But I will do something if it helps someone else do nothing. I’d work all night, if it meant nothing got done.”
83. “Never half-ass two things. Whole-ass one thing.”
84. “Any dog under fifty pounds is a cat and cats are useless.”
85. “There is only one bad word: taxes.”
86. “Friends: one to three is sufficient.”
87. “Breakfast food can serve many purposes.”
88. “I’d wish you the best of luck but I believe luck is a concept created by the weak to explain their failures.”
89. “Dear frozen yogurt, you are the celery of desserts. Be ice cream or be nothing. Zero stars.”
90. “Great job, everyone. The reception will be held in each of our individual houses, alone.”
91. “On my deathbed, my final wish is to have my ex-wives rush to my side so I can use my dying breath to tell them both to go to hell one last time.”
92. “I’ve created this office as a symbol of how I feel about government. This sawed-off shotgun belonged to a local bootlegger. People who come in here to ask me for things have to stare right down the barrel…”
93. “I love being a father but there are a few things I miss: Silence. The absence of noise. One single moment undisturbed by the sounds of a children’s program called Doc McStuffins. There is no quiet anymore. There is only Doc McStuffins.”
94. “I have accrued two hundred and twenty five personal days starting right now I’m using all of them. While I’m gone your in charge. Also, I keep a sizable supply of ground chuck in my desk. Remove it or it will begin to smell. Godspeed.”
95. “Ron Swanson’s rules for a BBQ: “There will be no froof-y desserts. There will be no giant soap bubble guns. There will be no adult men in costumes. And most of all, there will be no f#^%ing vegetables.”
96. “I have a hernia. I’ve had it for a while, and I’ve been ignoring it successfully. But uh, this morning, I made the mistake of sneezing. But as long as I sit still and don’t move my head or torso, I’m good. I got this.”
97. “Passing the Buck. The last refuge of the cowardly and Blackhearted.”
98. “An ideal night out, to me, is stepping onto my porch area and grilling up a thick slab of something’s flesh and then popping in a highlight real from the WNBA.”
99. “Fishing relaxes me. It’s like yoga, except I still get to kill something.”
100. “My idea of a perfect government is one guy who sits in a small room at a desk, and the only thing he’s allowed to decide is who to nuke. The man is chosen based on some kind of IQ test, and maybe also a physical tournament, like a decathlon. And women are brought to him, maybe…when he desires them.”
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101. “It’s pointless for a human to paint scenes of nature when they can go outside and stand in it.”
102. “An ideal night out, to me, is stepping onto my porch area and grilling up a thick slab of something’s flesh and then popping in a highlight reel from the WNBA.”
103. “America: The only country that matters. If you want to experience other ‘cultures,’ use an atlas or a ham radio.”
104. “It’s always a good idea to demonstrate to your coworkers that you are capable of withstanding a tremendous amount of pain.”
105. “Fishing is for sport only. Fish meat is practically a vegetable.”
106. “One rage every three months is permitted. Try not to hurt anyone who doesn’t deserve it.”
107. “I’ll take that steak to go. Please and thank you.”
108. “The key to burning an ex-wife effigy is to dip it in paraffin wax and then toss the flaming bottle of isopropyl alcohol from a safe distance. Do not stand too close when you light an ex-wife effigy.”
109. “Barbecues should be about one thing: good shared meat.”
110. “I prefer quality over flash — that’s why I refuse to write my signature in cursive.”
111. “Live your life how you want, but don’t confuse drama with happiness.”
112. “I don’t want to paint with a broad brush here, but every single contractor in the world is a miserable, incompetent thief.”
113. “People are idiots, Leslie.”
114. “There’s only one thing I hate more than lying: skim milk. Which is water that’s lying about being milk.”
115. “The less I know about other people’s affairs, the happier I am. I’m not interested in caring about people. I once worked with a guy for three years and never learned his name. Best friend I ever had. We still never talk sometimes.”
116. “Dear frozen yogurt, you are the celery of desserts. Be ice cream, or be nothing.”
117. “Fishing relaxes me. It’s like yoga, except I still get to kill something.”
118. “When I eat, it is the food that is scared.”
119. “Just give me all the bacon and eggs you have. Wait … I worry what you heard was, ‘Give me a lot of bacon and eggs.’ What I said was, give me all the bacon and eggs you have. Do you understand?”
120. “I’ve cried twice in my life. Once when I was 7 and hit by a school bus. And then again when I heard that Li’l Sebastian had passed.”
121. “Don’t start chasing applause and acclaim. That way lies madness.”
122. “I’d wish you the best of luck but I believe luck is a concept created by the weak to explain their failures.”
123. “Clear alcohols are for rich women on diets.”
124. “Crying: Acceptable at funerals and the Grand Canyon.”
125. “There are three acceptable haircuts: high and tight, crew cut, buzz cut.”
126. “Under my tutelage, you will grow from boys to men. From men into gladiators. And from gladiators into Swansons.”
127. “On my deathbed, my final wish is to have my ex-wives rush to my side so I can use my dying breath to tell them both to go to hell one last time.”
128. “Normally, if given the choice between doing something and nothing, I’d choose to do nothing. But I will do something if it helps someone else do nothing. I’d work all night, if it meant nothing got done.”
129. “When I walked in this morning and saw that the flag was half-mast, I thought ‘All right, another bureaucrat ate it!'”
130. “I like Tom. He doesn’t do a lot of work around here. He shows zero initiative. He’s not a team player. He’s never wanted to go that extra mile. Tom is exactly what I’m looking for in a government employee.”
131. “The whole point of this country is if you want to eat garbage, balloon up to 600 pounds and die of a heart attack at 43, you can! You are free to do so. To me, that’s beautiful.”
132. “I call this turf ‘n’ turf. It’s a 16-ounce T-bone and a 24-ounce porterhouse. Also, whiskey and a cigar. I am going to consume all of this at the same time because I am a free American.”
133. “I’m a simple man. I like pretty, dark-haired women and breakfast food.”
134. “When people get too chummy with me, I like to call them by the wrong name to let them know I don’t really care about them.”
135. “If there were more food and fewer people, this would be a perfect party.”
136. “That is a canvas sheet, the most versatile object known to man. It can be used to make tents, backpacks, shoes, stretchers, sails, tarpaulins, and I suppose, in the most dire of circumstances, it can be a surface on which to make art.”
137. “Any dog under 50 pounds is a cat, and cats are useless.”
138. “I regret nothing. The end.”
139. “My first ex-wife’s name is Tammy. My second ex-wife’s name is Tammy. My Mom’s name is Tamara … she goes by Tammy.”
140. “Sting like a bee, but do not float like a butterfly. That’s ridiculous.”
141. “You’ve accidentally given me the food that my food eats.”
142. “Put some alcohol in your mouth to block the words from coming out.”
143. “Friends: one to three is sufficient.”
144. “The government is a greedy piglet that suckles on a taxpayer’s teat until they have sore, chapped nipples.”
145. “I love being a father but there are a few things I miss: Silence. The absence of noise. One single moment undisturbed by the sounds of a children’s program called Doc McStuffins.”
146. “There is only one bad word: taxes.”
147. “Great job, everyone. The reception will be held in each of our individual houses, alone.”
148. “I have a hernia. I’ve had it for a while, and I’ve been ignoring it successfully. But uh, this morning, I made the mistake of sneezing. But as long as I sit still and don’t move my head or torso, I’m good. I got this.”
149. “Literally everything is a weapon, son. That folder, in my hands, is far deadlier than this bow of yours.”
150. On bowling: “Straight down the middle. No hook, no spin, no fuss. Anything more and this becomes figure skating.”
That’s it, 150 Ron Swanson quotes that can be learned and inspired for us all to see Ron Swanson’s figure in films and the world of comedy.